A Moment of Happiness Each Day Journal Entries
“Will it ever get better?”
This is the question that runs like a broken record in my brain. Toward the end of December, I entered an intense depressive episode. I’m convinced that the only reason I am getting through it right now is because, during the worst days, I had someone to stay up with me for multiple nights in a row and just hug me while I cried.
Side Note: This person has saved my life twice this year by just showing up and being there with me. When you have a loved one struggling, the easiest thing you can do is the most important thing you can do: just be there. She told me that I was not alone and then she actively went out of her way to make sure I knew I was not alone in it. For me, when the dark moments come, sometimes having someone else there brings in just enough light to reclaim a sense of hope. I hope she knows how grateful I am for her forcing me to hold on to hope that it might get better.
Because this person knows how much I have been struggling, she sent me the idea of writing weekly notes of goodness and saving them to reflect on at the end of the year.
With the magnitude of the depression, I decided to alter this activity to just write down one good thing each day starting December 31, 2023, and read through the list every time I feel like giving up.
I am currently sitting in a hotel room, drinking a cup of tea, and reading through the happy moments over the past 15 days, and decided I would share my journal entries.
Side Note: I have spent a lot of nights this past week crying. At night, the depression typically intensifies for me. This is a text my dad sent me while I was writing this blog. I wanted to share it because it illustrates how powerful a message can be. “I love you. Dad needs his little girl just know that ok.”
But before I do, here are some reminders that I have been telling myself lately: It is ok if the bad days come. It is ok to find new tools to help you get through the day. It is ok to need support, you do not have to go through any of it alone.
A Moment of Happiness Each Day Journal Entries
December 31: I had lunch with Dad at True Food Kitchen (I love their edamame dumplings)!
January 1: I spent a couple of hours helping Corinne with her SIM Card, so when she got back from dinner, she brought me her leftover sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts because she knows how much I love them. I wonder if she knows how much her little thoughtful moments mean to me.
January 2: Aunt Anastasia, Little Anastasia and I made vision boards together! Little A helped me figure out my photos and aesthetic, then organized it out on the board with me. They probably don’t know how much hope they gave me just by drinking wine and setting goals.
January 3: Liz sent me a text that made me smile and feel less alone. “You can do this…you are so strong! Love you.”
January 4: Nonna and I went out to dinner at Yolo. When we got home, she gave me a big hug and thanked me for always spending time with her. I wonder if she knows how happy spending time with her makes me.
January 5: I spent the evening with my mom and Zizi Linda. My mom bought a new dress to wear to Stefano’s wedding and she looked so beautiful when she was trying it on. It made me smile to see her feel so confident in herself.
January 6: Nonna and I drank some wine and had a dance party listening to the Mamma Mia soundtrack and Taylor Swift. Being silly with her makes me happy. I will remember these moments with her forever.
January 7: Visited Poppy in the hospital today with my mom. He held my hand a lot. I missed him and was so happy to spend a few hours together.
January 8: Caity and I played tennis!! It’s nice to have a friend who is also chasing after her dream. I liked talking about our goals. I am proud of both of us.
January 9: I made a new friend, Michelle. I was worried about not having anyone to sit with during class, so I was very happy to find out that we had both of our Tuesday classes together. We bonded over the Colleen Hoover books.
January 10: Received an email about being considered in the final round of cuts to speak at an event in Chicago the week of my birthday.
January 11: I made a new friend in class, Bivian. I was worried about my pre-practicum class, but it felt nice to have someone who was also going through the nerves of it all too! It was a reminder that I am not behind and we are all figuring it out together.
January 12: I shared a recap of the new Baker Act bill at the FLMHAC meeting with my thoughts. Amy and Gayle complimented how I analyzed it through the lens of my own lived experience, which made me feel very proud of how far I have come from when I was in the psych ward 5 years ago.
January 13: Yareli surprised me and signed up for the sex therapy class with me and Elizabeth!!! It was so nice to finally hug them both!
January 14: I made a new friend in class yesterday and we had breakfast this morning. We joked about my love of coffee, wine, and Taylor Swift. I laughed a lot.
