Societal standards are the problem, not you.
Sometimes, it feels impossible to not hate myself. My brain naturally criticizes everything about me from how I look to my progress or lack thereof. Honestly, I have noticed this shift in my brain beating me up for not being further along and not being productive enough.
You should be doing more. You are being lazy and choosing not to be better.
Do you even try? You have made zero progress toward your goals, and it is your fault.
You are not good at anything. You are failing. What is wrong with you?
These are the messages my brain is echoing, it’s like a broken soundtrack of my negative thoughts on repeat. I wish I could tell my brain to just shut up and leave me alone. I wish I could turn it off because it feels like it is slowly destroying me. I am pushing myself beyond any reasonable limits: I run a nonprofit; I host a podcast; I write workbooks; I host workshops; I care for my grandma living with Alzheimer’s; I travel across the country weekly; I am pursuing my master's in clinical psychology; and through it all, I try to keep a smile on my face and step up into roles that are not meant for me. I do everything expected of me plus more. It’s exhausting. It's exhausting because my brain gives me no credit for it. Instead, it condemns me for everything that I am not.
Many nights when I can no longer deal with the loathing and find myself in tears, I cannot help but wonder why my brain wants to bully me. We could be friends, it could love, support, and encourage me. It does not have to be so destructive. Right now, this thought is leading me to explore where this relationship came from.
My first thought is that I had to learn to talk to myself with hatred from somewhere. Reflecting on my earliest memories, I remember all the insecurities I heard from role models. I remember hearing other people tear apart their bodies, intelligence, progress, etc. I recall messages in the media and watching movies and television shows where there were fat jokes, dumb blond jokes, and mental health and suicide jokes. I think about the standards of beauty and how I felt like I could not fit in or keep up with clothing trends and hairstyles. I remember discouraging comments made to me by people who bullied me. I reflect on the messages I received as a competitive cheerleader on my body, my hair, and my makeup.
My goodness, I can pinpoint so many problematic moments throughout my life that taught me to pick apart myself instead of picking myself up!!!!
My brain got consumed in narratives created by other people and societal standards. Maybe, I never stood a chance at developing that healthy relationship. There was this one day when I was standing in front of the mirror and the first thing, I noticed was my eyebrows not being perfect, my nose being too big and crooked, and my lips being too small and thin. Why? Because messaging on what constitutes beauty has become second nature in my head.
At this moment, I knew I had to start making changes to rewrite the way my brain speaks to itself. After all, how long can we be enemies when we are meant to be a team?
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Something I have been doing lately is forcing my brain to associate itself with positive messages. On my mirrors, whether I am in hotel rooms or at home, I use an expo marker to write a note to myself. Therefore, when I look in the mirror, I am forced to see an encouraging, kind message rather than immediately hearing my unfiltered, negative thoughts on repeat. Some of the messages I wrote on my mirrors in my hotel room this week are:
I am so proud of how hard you work. This is next to the table where I sit to get my work done as a reminder that I am doing enough.
Your body looks amazing in your outfit. This is on the wall mirror by the mini closet to make me feel confident in my skin instead of feeling overwhelmed by not fitting in my clothes the way I think I should.
You’re gorgeous. This is on the bathroom mirror to remind me that I do not need a full face of makeup, or my hair done to like how I look; I am beautiful with or without it.
My brain was impacting me a lot this week, so I changed my screensaver from the Taylor Swift Reputation poem to “more self-love.” I need the constant reminder to cultivate self-love instead of self-loathing.
I wish this all came naturally to me, but the truth is, it takes so much effort to just not hate myself most days. But I think the effort is worth it because I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to love myself and be loved by myself.
As I reflect on the messages my brain has been receiving since I was a young kid, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself:
“There is no part of you that is not enough. Societal standards are the problem, not you. Heartless messaging from big companies convincing you that you need their products or services to be beautiful is the problem, not you. Other people’s opinions are their problem, it’s not about you. You are smart enough. You are pretty enough. You always have been, and you always will be. You do not need to change, the world does.”
