Is It True? How Could You?
“Is it true that you tried to kill yourself?”
“Why would you want to hurt yourself?”
“But you’re beautiful, smart, kind. How could you ever think about hurting yourself?”
These are the types of questions I get when people first hear about my mental health journey. In the beginning, it used to really bother me when these were the questions people would ask me. I think it was primarily because no one would ever offer me the space to answer with the intent to listen and understand.
Typically, these conversations go in one of three ways:
The individual starts bombarding me with questions getting slightly more personal as they go but talking over me with more questions instead of allowing me to respond which resulted in getting themselves worked up and ultimately in me comforting them.
The individual turns it into a more disciplinary form of questioning “How could you.”
The individual starts in with the “buts” invalidating the deeply traumatic emotional experience of my journey.
In fact, the entire conversation often led to me feeling even more isolated in all of it. And, occasionally, it would trigger more suicidal ideation, because I started to feel wrong for feeling how I did and ashamed of my inability to be the type of strong people expected of me. And, honestly, I started feeling uncomfortable with my journey instead of empowered by how many days since that I have chosen to keep going despite feeling depleted like there was nothing left inside of me.
One day, after hearing enough people explain how they too get depressed but would never try to kill themselves and how selfish people who kill themselves are for not thinking about those left behind, I decided to look up the numbers and see how many people truly get it. Here is what I found:
In 2021, an estimated 12.3 million American adults seriously thought about suicide, 3.5 million planned a suicide attempt, and 1.7 million attempted suicides. Facts About Suicide | Suicide | CDC
In 2021, 48,183 people died by suicide in the United States, making the statistic 1 death by suicide every 11 minutes. Facts About Suicide | Suicide | CDC
In 2020, 258.3 million were adults, 18 years or older Adult Population Grew Faster Than Total Population From 2010 to 2020 (census.gov)
These numbers show us that in 2021, just under 7% of the population either experienced serious thoughts of suicide, planned a suicide attempt, or attempted to end their life. And approximately less than 1% of the population attempted to end their life with about 2.8% resulting in the loss of a life. So, what do these numbers mean?
For me, looking at these numbers shifted my entire perspective. I always questioned how people could respond the way they did or how they would not be able to understand what I was experiencing. But then I grasped it was because most people do not experience the severity of suicidal ideation so they would not be able to understand it without hearing about people’s experiences and being willing to ask respectful, appropriate questions with the intent to genuinely listen.
For those of you still reading and curious about what suicidal ideation may look or feel like, here are a few examples giving you the most vulnerable look into the thoughts and impact of suicidal ideation in my life.
Not wanting to celebrate a birthday because I genuinely did not want to be alive. Celebrating another year of life felt like torture because every day all I could think about was how much I did not want to be alive anymore.
Looking at every situation as a possible means. What if I crashed the car into a wall? What if I fell off the balcony? What if I just stopped swimming? My brain tortured itself with constant prompts of ways I could pass. Most days, leaving my bedroom turned into paralyzing fear.
Collecting pills just in case. Having a secret stash made me feel like I had a sense of control over my life; I had the option if I needed it.
Writing “end dates” in my journal. I would count down how many more days I had to stay alive, and it felt reassuring to know the end was in sight.
Self-harming to either numb the overwhelming emotions or to feel something other than numb. I would be able to turn on and off my emotions with scissors. And it would feel so calming to watch myself bleed and know I had control over when, where, and how much.
So, how could I ever think of harming myself? My brain was not in a healthy space and all I could think about was ending my life. These are just five examples of ideation from my life that extend beyond the thoughts of “I want to die.” What you may notice is that some of these examples were in my mind where my brain was taunting me and some of these examples were actions that I took to gain control and walk the line of life and death.
But then there is the question of where these thoughts and behaviors originated from. And to be honest, there is no singular point in my life that triggered it, but rather a collection of thoughts and experiences that started as what I could only describe as one pebble on my shoulder and formed into a volcanic mountain ready to erupt.
For those of you still curious about what were some of the emotional experiences that led to the development and growth of ideation over time, below are a few examples from my life.
As a young child, every week I looked forward to Friday when I would get to see the person I most admired. I sat by the door waiting for them to come over. And more Fridays than I could count, my parents would get the phone call that the person was not coming, and I would cry wondering why I was not good enough for them. I think this may be the earliest experience of questioning my worth.
I was taught that the size of my body mattered if I wanted to be a cheerleader. By nine years old, I dreaded going to the doctor and having to hear about how tall I was getting or how much I weighed. I felt ashamed of growing physically and was worried about how much I could eat.
I started a blog titled “Inspiring My Generation” where I would post quotes, what I was experiencing, or things I was learning. I wanted to inspire people and change the world. But, instead of my peers feeling inspired, they made fun of me, called me names, passed my writing around the classroom, and laughed. I had found something I really enjoyed and had an unbelievable goal in mind, yet I felt just completely wrong as a person because of it. I think this may be the earliest experience of feeling like no one understood me and that I would never fit in.
My parents separated and I had to move from the home I grew up in without much notice. My sense of safety and security diminished overnight, and I blamed myself. I stopped eating and told myself that if I was “skinny enough” my dad would come home. Eventually, I was eating just a cucumber and bell pepper a day, felt like I was going to pass out, constantly had no energy, and lost 20 pounds until I was fading away just to learn that our family was never getting back together. I felt like I failed. I felt like I was not good enough. I developed an immense pressure to prove I was good enough to everyone around me.
My grandparents got into a car accident where I lost my grandfather and almost lost my grandmother, my two best friends. The man who Facetimed with me every morning for a cup of coffee, every day on my way back from class, and every night for dinner was never going to call me again. These two people were the ones who always made me feel important and like I belonged, and I never felt more terrified of the world or alone than the moment I realized everything had changed.
So, why would I want to end my life? Read through the last sentences again and watch how the themes grew in just five examples I shared. When I was younger, there were no active conversations on coping skills, affirmations, or reaching out for help. Imagine if I had the tools to feel loved by and important to myself or to help manage overwhelming emotions and experiences. Would the feelings have been manageable? Would I have been able to cope with new stressors and remove the rocks from my shoulders instead of stacking them up until I crumbled?
I wasn’t five years old wanting to end my life; I was five years old wondering why I wasn’t enough.
But without the tools and with years of constantly being and feeling hurt, I did want to die. Not only because I wanted to end my own pain, but also because I felt like I was a burden and internalized every negative experience as myself being the problem. I believed that everyone around me would feel happier without me around. I felt like the world was better without me and I hated myself. I wanted to disappear so that everyone else could be happy.
My brain was not in a healthy space. I tried to end my life three times. And, what I learned from it is that we need more conversations about this. I felt so alone in my experience and believed that no one would ever understand what I was going through. While it is true that there are many people who will never experience the intensity of suicidal ideation that results in an attempt, more conversations with honesty and vulnerability can help those struggling to realize that they are not alone in it and help those who do not experience it personally to understand a loved one who is and offer productive support rather than invalidation.
