I live two lives.

I always loved watching Hannah Montana as a child, dreaming of what it would be like to live two lives just like her. But now, that I am 25, it feels like I'm living a double life, and it’s not as exhilarating as I once imagined. It’s funny, my two lives are separated by two portions of my name. There’s Fran, who is a master's student in California, advocating for mental health and building a nonprofit. Then, there’s Cesca, who is a caregiver to her Nonna in FL, always hanging out with her “old lady” (it’s our word of endearment, relax) friends and occasionally playing tennis.

Side note: Something that occurred to me while on the plane this morning is how very few people refer to me as “Francesca” consistently—usually my full name is reserved for getting into trouble or trying to gain my attention. However, there are a few people who refer to me as “Francesca” and I think they get to genuinely see both sides of me. They watch me study and panic over exams, edit podcasts, organize encouragement cards, watch my speaking engagement videos, spend time with me and Nonna, and even listen to me when I cry. It is kind of crazy to think about how two halves of my name differentiate two sides of my life, but when people put my full name together, they see me as a full person not just half of who I am.

Being both Fran and Cesca is exhausting. Being a grad student and trying to navigate your future and figure out where you fit into your chosen field is exhausting. Being a caregiver for a loved one with Alzheimer’s who will never get better and only decline is exhausting and unfair in the cruelest way. Being an advocate for something that can feel so dark and isolating like mental health and suicide prevention is exhausting and heavy. Being a young adult in the very stimulating world of 2024 is exhausting, overwhelming, and confusing. Being on social media is exhausting in the most self-critical way. All of it feels exhausting – yet most of the time I feel obliged to smile through it all and laugh as I talk about my many roles as a defense mechanism convincing myself to operate at this level of exhaustion is normal.

Living between FL and CA is like a never-ending battle with jet lag. My body is constantly struggling to catch up with time zones – confused about if it is time to eat or sleep. It leads to many sleepless nights, often staring at the walls of my bed—or hotel room as they close in on me at 2 am.

Lately, my brain feels like it's stuck in a fog, taking forever to process anything and have a productive response. Most of my conversations are slower these days as I pause to comprehend much of what was said.  And weekends? They're just filled with breakdowns from sheer exhaustion and overwhelmingness. More days than not, as I am barely keeping up with my schedule, I'm convinced I'm failing on all fronts, drained physically and emotionally.

And when someone decides to point out my flaws or how I'm not meeting their expectations, it's just another blow to my already fragile state. People like to tell me when my mental health is upsetting them or what I should be doing. I get text messages degrading me whenever I cannot manage all of who I am supposed to be. I often feel neglected and abandoned as I am trying to navigate all these different roles, begging for a life raft that is rarely ever tossed out to me.

But the worst part? Feeling utterly alone in all of this. It's hard to find anyone who can relate to the different sides of me—I often feel misunderstood. Grad school, caregiving, running a nonprofit, hosting a podcast—each feels like a full-time gig, yet I'm just one person trying to keep it all together. Online, people often compliment me for all that I am doing, which makes me feel like a fraud. I always think to myself: “If only they saw how little grace I do it all with; if only they knew it was not anywhere as easy as I try to make it seem; if only they saw when the smile fades, then they’d all be disappointed in me too.”

And here’s another point that cuts me to my core: I'm grateful for the opportunity to live this double life. I am so incredibly grateful to have the privilege to do all of what I do. Most people don’t have the opportunity to be a caregiver for their loved one or the opportunity to pursue higher education (let alone be working on their third degree!). Very few people have the opportunity to pursue their dreams without giving something up—I give up sleep and a large portion of my social life and mental health, but I have access to food, water, and shelter even if I bring in zero dollars. I am very aware of the privilege I have to be able to fly across the country every few days to live two lives, but some days, I wish I could just merge into one whole person without feeling pulled in a million directions. I wish people did not expect me to be strong all the time – sometimes, I do not want to be coined “the strongest person you know,” I just want to be human with the expectation to have emotions and stressors without knowing how to manage it on my own all the time. It's frustrating to be overwhelmed by something I should be only thankful for.

For the past year, I have been working so hard to trust people more and share myself beyond the smile you see in person or online. But reaching out for help is tough when you feel so misunderstood. However, I am doing my best to use my resources, time, and support system to seek a sense of safety and security amidst all the chaos I feel internally. I do well with expressing myself in a journal, but being vulnerable in person is something I struggle with because I never want people to see me cry. For the few who see the bad parts, I am grateful every time they stick around for the few good moments too. Even though I know it takes strength to ask for support, it’s so hard for me to admit that I cannot do it all on my own,

because like Lorelai Gilmore once said, “I fancy myself Wonder Woman.”

I am working on it though…

 ———————

In the meantime, one way I have been processing my emotions lately is through a playlist I created of Taylor Swift songs (obviously). I listen to it, while I stare out the window on my plane rides (What can I say? I love a good main character moment!). The playlist starts with the more fragile moments and ends with inspiration and hope, allowing me to feel while providing some form of encouragement to keep going – at least for another day. Below are some of my favorite lyrics from the songs that are working to support my emotional wellness at the moment.

“The water's high, you're jumping into it

And letting go, and no one knows

That you cry, but you don't tell anyone

That you might not be the golden one

And you're tied together with a smile

But you're coming undone”

-Tied Together With a Smile

“I'm getting tired even for a Phoenix

Always risin' from the ashes

Mendin' all her gashes

You might just have dealt the final blow”

-You’re Losing Me

“Break up, break free, break through, break down

You would break your back to make me break a smile

You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back

Just like that.”

-Labyrinth

“How did I go from growing up to breaking down?

And I wake up (wake up) in the middle of the night

It's like I can feel time moving

How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?”

-Nothing New

“And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why

I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

I'm still on that trapeze

I'm still tryin' everything to keep you looking at me.”

-Mirrorball

“I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know.

I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on.

Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.”

- A Place In This World

“Rain came pouring down

When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe.”

-Clean

You're beautiful

Every little piece, love don't you know?

You're really gonna be someone

 -Stay Beautiful

“You, with your words like knives

And swords and weapons that you use against me,

You have knocked me off my feet again.

Got me feeling like I'm nothing,

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded.

You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down,

With just one single blow

But you don't know what you don't know.

Someday, I'll be livin' in a big, ole city,

And all you're ever gonna be is mean.”

-Mean

“You've got no reason to be afraid.

You're on your own, kid.

Yeah, you can face this.”

-You’re On Your Own Kid

“Long, long live the walls we crashed through

How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid

Singing long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face

And bring on all the pretenders

One day, we will be remembered”

-Long Live