What does tranquility mean to you?
What does tranquility mean to you?
It’s a question I have been reflecting on a lot the past month. I never thought about this question before. Honestly, I never associated my life with tranquility. It’s no secret that I thrive under stress and pressure – the more barriers in my way, the bigger the breakdown, the higher the success. It’s a motto I have lived by for as long as I can remember.
Work harder than anyone around you.
Be better than everyone around you.
While people waste time sleeping, utilize the midnight hours to get ahead of them.
Get up before the sun does.
You can sleep when you’re dead; until then, make something of yourself.
Never settle, and never be satisfied.
Stay hungry and push yourself beyond your limits.
These are the statements running through my mind. I do not know where all these thoughts came from or why these messages stuck with me. Truthfully, I always admired my father and uncle's hard work, passion, and success. I wonder how many of these thoughts I unconsciously picked up through pure admiration versus how many I heard. But either way, these thoughts do not align with tranquility.
The past year has been a lot for me. My levels of anxiety and frequency of depressive episodes have magnified to their worst in years. When reflecting on the triggers, I’ve noticed some common themes:
I prioritize roles and responsibilities that amplify my stress levels. I look to take on more than I can physically and/or mentally handle.
I convince myself that it is “normal” to live in a constant state of extreme stress because it makes life exciting and fun.
I focus more on what I can do for others, often neglecting my own needs and happiness.
JOURNALING
As I started journaling more frequently with more intention, these themes became more prevalent and directly correlated with my feelings.
Tranquility
When journaling about the meaning of tranquility, I noticed it was the exact opposite of how I had chosen to live.
“To me, tranquility means feeling at ease and calm in the present moment.”
Yet, anytime things felt calm, I pushed myself further because diamonds form under pressure, right? Without pressure and stress, how would I grow? So, I craved the loss of tranquility as a sign of hope for my future.
When journaling about the triggers of stress and anxiety that interfere with the sense of tranquility, I noticed that it was a result of how I was consciously choosing to live.
“Some common triggers of stress and anxiety in my life is the focus on other people. I worry too much about how they feel about me, and I internalize their opinions.”
I have wasted so much time wanting to impress other people or make them proud that I was letting myself down. I was sitting in my room with the scars from the wounds most people would never know about, tears streaming down my face, convincing myself that I wasn’t good enough. But I defined good enough as receiving attention from others, as other people wanting to be around me or talking with me, and any other form of external approval I could receive.
I was always the person who was internally motivated and inherently driven by my own goals, but somewhere along the way, I stopped focusing on the girl in the mirror and started focusing on the girl other people saw.
Personal Power
When journaling about my power/strengths, I realized how insecure I feel about myself until others validate that I am good enough, helpful enough, and smart enough.
“I am so afraid of not being good enough and failing that I discount myself, my value, my experience, and my knowledge.”
Recently, I’ve been struggling with anxious thoughts over whether I am cut out to be a therapist. A few people have made comments that I have allowed to impact my confidence, such as:
A good therapist does not self-disclose. You should not be so open on social media.
You don’t have enough empathy to be a good therapist. You’re too selfish.
People only respect a PhD, not a master’s level therapist. PhDs look down on your work because you don’t have a doctorate.
The decline in confidence I have allowed myself to experience from these comments comes from how I have been valuing myself based on what other people think versus the amount of work I have put into my work, education, recovery, and self. Somewhere along the way, I stopped celebrating all I am and have accomplished and started disapproving of myself based on other people’s projections.
Perception
When journaling about how I perceive myself, I saw the lens had reversed to a self-deprecating viewpoint. True to the theme, my perception of myself became consumed with what I should do to fit in or be better rather than who I am.
“I tend to emphasize others’ judgment and perceptions of me. I always worry about how other people see me and what I need to ‘change’ or do so that other people want to be my friend or like me.”
“I feel like I compete with the people around me, and every time someone else succeeds, even when I am excited for them and proud of them, I feel jealous and upset with myself for not making that progress.”
Why do I care so much about what other people think? This question has haunted me the past month as I journal deeper and deeper into my insecurities, fears, and pains. There’s this exercise I do, my breathwork coach during the pandemic taught me (hi Lauren!!). Picture the moment everything works out; who is celebrating you with you? I guess my obsession with other people’s approval comes from this innate fear that no one will be there with me. A couple of years back, I won an award, and when I was on stage, no one I pictured being there was there. It messed with my brain, and slowly, over the years, I unconsciously taught myself that in the moments I dreamed of, I would be alone if I did not become likable. And, then, anytime something that felt big to me would happen, I could never find people who had time to celebrate it with me, which just reinforced to me that I was not likable and needed to focus more on becoming the kind of person people want to celebrate.
But, one day, I was journaling at the bar over a martini and key lime tart with my friend (hi Caity!!), and we talked about this fear I have and how it is pushing me into a lesser version of myself. And she said something so simple, yet so profound. It’s not that you are not good enough; it’s that you are not surrounding yourself with the right group of people. She recommended I pray for clarity. Who is meant to be in my life? Who am I meant to be? Am I on the right path? With clarity comes answers to these questions.
Anxiety
When journaling about the anxieties that are breaking my tranquility, I realized that I had lost complete confidence in myself. I started focusing too much on what I should do for others based on the expectations either I have put on myself, or others have put on me. And along the way, I completely avoided doing anything for myself to dodge the consequences of entering the unknown.
“I don’t trust myself or have confidence in my decision-making ability. I depend on others telling me what to do; it feels terrifying and overwhelming to figure it out myself. I am worried about the consequences of doing the wrong thing or making the wrong decision. Everything feels so permanent.”
I’ve learned there is a difference between asking for someone’s unbiased viewpoint and asking someone to tell you how to fix a situation. Sometimes, a third-party perspective can be valuable when you’re too close to a situation to grasp what’s happening—that being said, it’s always on a case-by-case basis. I’ve spent much of my life relying too heavily on other people’s opinions on the best option for me. What degree should I pursue? Where should I attend school? Where should I live? What’s my next step? It seemed like every part of my life, and I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, probably to be able to blame someone else if it did not work out the way I hoped. I didn’t want to take any responsibility for the consequences of my choices because if I made the wrong choice, maybe I wasn’t good enough.
However, on the other hand, if I never learn to make my own decisions and trust my own judgment, how will I ever become my own person? I was actively placing myself in a situation where I focused on other people’s opinions of me, where I am, and where I should be heading. I was more worried about what other people wanted for me than what I wanted for myself.
Exploration & Release
At the end of exploring the barriers to tranquility, I began shifting to the exploration of myself. What do I need to let go of to find me again?
“I need to let go of the fear of not being good enough or the kind of person who has friends…”
“I need to stop living so much in how other people see me or think of me and focus more on who I am and who I want to be.”
“I want to explore who I am, not who I think I should be.”
My journal was clear – exploring ME meant letting go of comparing myself to others, idolizing others and trying to imitate them, and internalizing other people’s comments and opinions of me. It meant truly asking myself:
Who am I, and who do I want to be?
What brings me joy and a sense of inner peace?
When I imagine tranquility and happiness, where do I see myself?
SEEKING TRANQUILITY
In the vaguest sense, for me, tranquility is the moment of clarity and peace when my brain shuts off and my smile appears. Tranquility can come in moments of complete solitude and silence or laughter with friends – for me, it’s the inner peace in my mind where the ruminating thoughts shut off, and my heart rate feels normal. Initially, I thought of “chasing tranquility,” but that was how I maintained the stress and pressure I claimed to thrive under. Therefore, I started as simply as reframing the language I was using when approaching the entire idea of tranquility – I am not chasing, I am seeking and discovering.
I am discovering different ways to bring moments of serenity into my life. It looks different each day, but I have promised to TRY to find 30 minutes of joy and release each day. Here are the most common moments I’ve discovered joy and tranquility in.
Walking with new friends in similar life stages along the river or beach, talking about our goals, dreams, hopes, and plans.
Going to the farmers market, buying fresh fruit, and sitting in the grass to eat it.
Watching the sunset on the beach wrapped in a towel or blanket, laughing at how the wind blows my hair all over the place.
Cooking and meal-prepping items from scratch and trying new recipes.
Playing tennis with my coach and laughing through every mistake instead of taking myself too seriously. (With my lack of skill, it is basically for the hour straight.)
Watching planes take off through the sunrise from my hotel room.
Staring out the plane window, listening to music that connects to me. (Yes, it is almost always Taylor Swift. I am also enjoying “Kinda Fun” by Bailee Madison right now too.)
Journaling (as shown above) to reflect and understand myself differently.
This week, I went hiking with my friend (hi Prasangi!!), laughed with friends between classes (hi Haley and Liz!!), meal prepping with my aunt (hi Anastasia!!), journaled in the morning over a cup of coffee, watched planes takeoff through the sunrise, listened to Taylor Swift while staring out the plane window (I love a good main character moment!!), and walked for an hour with my friend grabbing smoothies along the way (hi Caity!!).
I am excited to find more moments of tranquility next week. Seeking tranquility and feeling joy within the moments of peace have helped shift my brain to looking forward to tomorrow rather than dreading another day.
QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO REFLECT ON
What does tranquility mean to you? Where do you find it? What triggers stress and anxieties that take the tranquility away?
Whose opinion of you are you most focused on? Why does their opinion mean so much to you if it is not YOURS? How can you learn to release and let go of the voice in your head?
What is standing in the way between you and joy, tranquility, and inner peace?
Who would you want to be if no one had ever told you otherwise? What values are important to you?
